Felix Flax

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Denial is a statement, it’s not happening again, it won’t happen again. I refuse to let it happen again, I state, as if I control anything… As though I didn’t run away during the first term, obtaining a Bachelor’s degree in Biology and being a dual Canadian-American citizen. I did, until the pandemic dragged me back and forth across the borders so often I never truly felt at home off-campus, despite the knowledge no university experience lasts forever. So when university ended, I returned back to the U.S.A. and my childhood home. My baby and elementary and middle school photos still hang throughout the living room, the ghost of my female self haunting me. I don’t despise her anymore, a decade removed from when I was her, but it’s still unnerving. Not nearly as unnerving as the fact my teenage existence is illegal now in many parts of the country, and a law was passed making parents supporting their children the way mine had illegal, not just illegal but abusive. I try not to learn about the transphobia in other parts of America right now. I’m just trying to focus on surviving, which is a lot more difficult than it sounds considering I’ve been job hunting for eleven months with no job to show for it. I’m just exhausted all the time, even if I try to ignore the news by clinging to already off-the-air sitcoms. I’m lucky enough to live somewhere safe, but I still fear living in this stupid country altogether. Just not enough to leave again.