Danny M. Grimes

I’m fine, it’s just

Because of the change in seasons— 
                  It’s dipped below freezing, the trees are bare, & it’s dark at 5pm.
Because I’m too tired after work to paint or write or go out—
                  I’m not exercising at all, eating too much, & sleeping too little.
Because I feel isolated after moving out on my own for the first time—
                  The few people who love me are so far away & it’s hard to make new friends.
Because the days keep passing and nothing has changed except that another day has passed—
                  I’m trying my hardest & it doesn’t seem to be enough.
Because I’m having a mystery flare-up and my body is swollen—
                  My face is flakey, my arms are scaley, & my joints protest all movement.
Because I don’t know what I’m doing wrong or if it’ll get worse—
                  I don’t know how to fix anything & my brain is too foggy to think too deeply of it.
Because I’m growing more uncomfortable in my skin each day
                  As my body stretches in a direction it was never meant to.
Because I didn’t think I’d make it this far—because I didn’t die young—
                  I woke up another day & am trying to accept that I will again tomorrow.
                  It’s hard to plan for a future you can’t imagine yourself in,
                  Even though I’m already living in the future I couldn’t imagine I’d have.
I’m fine, it’s just
Because of the global news I’ve been trying to ignore,
                  (So my brain doesn’t explode like innocent children)
                  Aside from making measly contributions
                  That don’t feel like enough to help anyone.
Because Trump won. Again.
                  Because I can’t believe that many people voted for this.
                  Because the republicans have a super majority
                  And they’ve stated their intentions to take away our rights
                  And I am so afraid for the future.
Because last week, I scheduled an appointment to get back on HRT.
                  Because I live in one of the few states where it’s safe,
                  And I’m watching horrific shit happen across the country
                  And wondering when it will get here.    
Because global battles stacked on societal stacked on everyday stacked on internal
                  Becomes overwhelming—
                  And I thought maybe I’d finally found a path forward
                  And now it seems even more impossible and scary and hopeless and
                  I still have to take it.
I’m fine, I’m just bracing.
We’re fine, we’re just holding our breath.
It’s fine, we’ll wake up again tomorrow
                  And, against all odds, move forward.