Drew Reynolds

How to Erase your Transness

Here’s the secret: you can’t, they can
smell you like rotten eggs, like spoiled
milk, the stuff you don’t want coming
from the things that shouldn’t be there,
and you see, that’s where the problem
lies, in your want of absence, because
it means that you cannot take away to
hide your vulnerabilities, your shiny
red cape, you matador de God, de
nature—you do see the problem,
 
right?
 
see, the problem is that your gender
comes down to what you want to
take away, and so it is your instinct
to say, “what can I take away to fit
what they want, what can I take aw-
ay to not draw the stares,” and that’s
where your stupidness comes into
play, because they don’t want you to
take away, they want you to add,
add length to your hair and weight
on your chest, add height to your
heels but not to your legs, short but
tall, see? short but tall. you see, the
problem is that when someone says,
“become not trans,” you think they
want you to take away something
like removing an
                                   abscess,   
                                                        be-
cause you see your gender—no, you
see you as something, but they view
your gender—no, they view you as
the
 
 
         absence.
 
 
you want to curl up and hide, I
know. you stare at the mirror and
you wonder how they spot you
immediately, every time, and
you wonder what part of your-
self you can hide to make them
hate you less, but here is the
secret: you want to erase your
transness, but they see a blank
page covered in your smudge
marks from all your previous
attempts, and they want to
cover up the unclean. do you
understand now?
 
there’s nothing for you to
take away. they already think
you are                    n o t h i n g.