Myles Taylor

some days,

my gender feels like the secret code
to the hottest club in town

like I’m at
the house show slash gay wedding slash
top surgery fundraiser getting a stick n poke       
next to a laundry machine and man
what did you expect when you moved to the city

I’ve discovered the secret back room
behind the bookcase & found a garden terrace
& sit by the trellis on worn lawn chairs
all night with campari & banter
& big laughs that bounce off the stars

If being trans was a choice
I would’ve still chosen it
over and over

 
but some days

  
 
I want to be universal
 
 
 
I want to take [my car to the mechanic]
/ [my family to the diner] / [my boyfriend to the park]
without worrying which one is safe

 
I want to go anywhere without having to research –
type queer in front of every city – we’ve got
the coolest clubs in town
everywhere you want to be

 
but sometimes I just need to go
[to the doctor / to the store / to the bathroom]

 
 
– sometimes I’m driving through a suburb counting [stares / cops / Trump signs]
wondering what happens if my car breaks down
 
 
– and I want to have faith in everyone:
            that human decency will outweigh all else
but it’s the not knowing
the blank script
                                tell me what role to play:
                                                            [effeminate man / teenage boy / nerd / wimp]
                                                            unless I’m [name on debit / unbound chest]

 
add me up / digest me / give me a part to play
I’ll play it until

 
           I can go home
                                               
 
 
to my people
 
 
                                               
to myself
 
 
                                                            putting glitter on everyone before they hit the stage
                                                            no explanations
 
                        but remember:

 
    I wasn’t born into this glow–
    didn’t stumble into the book case
    guess the secret code

                        
            someone unlocked the door
 
            every stare could be little me
                        closeted queer who needed to see me
                        every flash of what could be
                                    [blue bob at the mall / billie joe armstrong’s eyeliner /
                                                                          ephemeral glances in public places /
                                                                          the city unfurling before me]
           
I leave the house to let others in
 
I’m inviting you all, if you choose:
           
            welcome to the world of [no gender /
            all genders / made-up gender / ancestral gender]
           
            welcome to the hottest club in town
 
            if being trans was a choice
            I’d still choose it
            over and over
            but all I did was choose myself
            despite it all
 
            & you can too